can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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