When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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