what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
