I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
