he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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