I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
