Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
