I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
