My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
