remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
