loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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