Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
