I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
