I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
