If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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