so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
