Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
