This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
