im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
