i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
