tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
