The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I looked at my own cervix.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
