hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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