I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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