No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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