I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I know her cup size but not her name....
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