Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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