IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
