I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
