Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
