God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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