I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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