I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
