ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
