I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
