I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
