Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
