We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
