2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
