So drunk its hurt
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
