If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
