Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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