u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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