I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
