Im at strip club and am horny
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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