Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
