Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
