one two three fourrrrnication!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
