I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
