I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
